The Bikini Wax Incident of 2010

Many of my friends have told me for years that I need to have a blog. At first I thought, whatever, when will I have time to blog? I am married, have 4 kids, 2 jobs, a dog, a tortoise, a hamster, and a life jam-packed with madness. After the events of this evening, I decided it was time. Anyone on the outside looking in, can't help but to feel better about their life and circumstances after reading about my daily adventures. So this will be the point of it all....feel better about being you because there is this mad woman in the suburbs of New Orleans surviving her daily madness and you can thank God you aren't her, even if just for a moment.

Let us begin by looking into how this day began. I thought I was so on the ball because I had woken up early. This was the day I was going to tackle many things and get a great start on the week. By 9:00 am, I had lost 1 of my kids in the house which made the kids 10 minutes late for school. They may or may not have had something for breakfast, brushed their hair or had all items required for the day. I had not yet bathed, brushed my teeth, had anything to eat or drink and was wearing clothes from the night before. My dog had escaped the house for the first time today, ran the neighborhood and was back home. Clearly, I was a woman who was totally in control of her day.

On this day, I decide to tackle another task, the bikini wax. I'm leaving town over the weekend and this always seems to spur a frenzy of extra activities for me. There is a need to take control of everything before I leave town so I can be relaxed when I get home. I'm not sure where this delusion started, but it has yet to work out for me. Nonetheless, I am committed to this pre-trip insanity. This trip, this Monday I have a sudden need for a bikini wax. Inexplicable as it may seem, it is an idea that drives my day. My friend Christine had totally busted my plan for laser hair removal the week before (evidently there are issues between visits that aren't bathing suit conducive). I learn I should wait until fall. Now, it's today, a Monday in May and it just all has to go.

The more logical side of my brain says "find someone to do it". It is quite convincing. Get someone who knows what they are doing. Genius, I am! However, the "there is no way in hell I'm exposing my 4 time postpartum vagina to anyone other than my OB/GYN" side of my brain says, I can do this at home. Since I'm not high on logic this week, that's the side that wins. My friend does it all the time (forgetting she is licensed to do so) and we have fun together, therefore, I can do it too. Genius, once again! I will go to Sally's.

The Crazies at Sally's also buy in to my genius. One of them is full of advice and totally hooks me up. I have the kit that contains 5 bottles of who knows what and I buy a bottles of No-bump stuff as well as this amazing pain relief spray. AWESOME! I am so set. I can manage 4 kids on a daily basis, a bikini wax will be a breeze or so the delusion thought....

Skip ahead to the evening. I have had the busiest day at work. My husband has to pick his mom up from the airport and abandon me for the evening as he drives her to and from her house (an hour away). My mom takes the girls to dancing and I just have the boys. Knowing I will be the Master of the Bikini Wax later, I decide to treat the boys to dinner. We have a great time, incident free at the restaurant. Tim comes home and immediately goes to bed (shocking, I know). The girls come home and after 2 short hours of battling, they are asleep. The time has come for me to conquer the wax.

I begin the process my pouring myself a ginormous glass of wine. Waxing is always better with alcohol. Then I sit down to read the directions. I so have this. It is a simple series of 12 steps. 1. spray don't hurt spray. 2. Clean area with Pre-Hon (nope, no idea either). 3. Rub pre-epil something or another so the wax doesn't stick to skin. 4. Oh wait, I was supposed to warm the wax in the microwave. 5. Take Popsicle stick that is called something else and mix wax to proper consistency. 6. Spread wax on skin at a 45 degree angle. 7. allow wax to cool and harden. 8. pull up one side gently and make a tab. 9. grab tab, pull skin tight and rip quickly. 10. press cushion of hand on fresh rip spot. 11. rub the no bump lotion on waxed spot. 12. repeat until finished and wear loose clothes. It's almost too easy.

The side burns go off without a hitch. Sure half the hair is still there and no I can't repeat the same spot, but I got this. A few more gulps on wine and then I go in for the real deal. What I don't realize until I'm on step 8 is that I forgot to do the first 3 crucial steps. I discover this as I try to make my tab of step 8. Let the sweating begin.

It's streaky, so I decided to add more wax to make a nice tab. I am now frantically doing shots of wine. There are strings of wax all over the bathroom and me as I brave the reality that the wax must, in fact, be removed. Panic-mode has never been achieved quite like this particular point in time. The moment of truth has arrived and I am now sweating profusely. In my nervousness, I wipe my mouth which had the numbing stuff on it. My lips are numb, but the crucial area is not. I begin just ripping away at the streaks of wax while the shots of wine are spilling out of my half numb mouth. I repeat this process until most of the wax is removed. There I sit, with strings of wax every where, half drunk, numbed lipped, giggling like a jackass because I have done all of this and most of the hair is still there with the exception of the one clump I accidentally flung across the room. I'm looking like the female version of Steve Carrel from 40 year old virgin. Seriously? Did I just do this?

All of this brings me to the point I am at right this moment. I hope this story of self idiocracy will give you a quick laugh and help you feel better about your day. This is sadly just a typical Monday for me. I'm certain there will be many more stories to share and I hope you just enjoy them. It's getting late and I need to get to bed so we can be late for school tomorrow.